juzt speaking conversation……

I don’t know what’s happening to me ‘rite now
Everybody asks…n asks…
as if they don’t have something to discuss
I wish they can shut up their mouth 4 a while

I am not mad
rilly…I am not mad
but could u give me several time to think
and please appreciate my decision
without asking why, why and why

For somebody there
don’t force me to say what is actually the truth
becoz’ sometimes it’s hard to say
n too complicated I think
a lil’bit hesitate…I think so

Tommorow, I am going to start my day with tutorial
n I want to concentrate with this thing
n let that problem not as number one
n see this thing as the important one

God…..
I know it’s hard n I have to decide
but don’t let this decision disturb my tutorial
IF I have to face with this complicated thing, ….
I know You will be able me to pass these things honestly
………………………………………………………..
Now, I have to see the reality without hoping too much

My last holide…..

Hmmm…..dah 14 dayz, I’ve lost my lovely frendz from CoP n ma’ lovely village, Bulakdawung. Kuaaaanngennnn….pastii banget. Wendy…ma’lovely spektre n Mariko…ma lovely prend that usually accompanied me to see the stars in the night. Blum lagi, ma’ lovely children at SD. Parang I…..hikz kangen heavy nehhh. I rilly2 miz to sing a song with them and do anything that we enjoy so much. O God….. I rilly2 miz them a lot. Peliz mizz juga ngeliat shooting stars in the night. O God it’s rilly2 beautiful n awesome…. How beautiful the stars are!
Suddenly, I remembered that I seen a gorgeous shooting star in the night at July, 27, 2006 on 22.37. Gile, that was my first time to see a big shooting star….the color was blue n so bright n dissapear so fast but it was very very beautiful till I didn’t realize dat I was crying….Suddenly lagi, gw memposisikan ma’self as Adeline in The Romance of the Forest (novel yang bakal daku surgeon-nin). Ga heran she felt so peace eventhough the situations were so complicated… abiz…kerjaannya ngeliat bintang n scenery tiap hari >,<.  Hm I wish, I can see the shooting stars like this in Surabaya. But, rasanya jaranx banget…..mana bintangnya di Surabaya kliatan jauuuuuuuhhh banget. Eitz….tapi peliz musti bersyukur. Masehh mending gw bisa lives here…itu aja dah bersyukur. Hupz I’m sorry God…feliz almost in unconscious.

Satu hal yang bikin gw bener2 rindu ama Bulakdawung tuh, peliz bisa sate di rice field. Crazy…. enak banget. Sitting n enjoying the scenery while I was doing ma’ sate….hmmm gw ga bisa lupain seumur hidup gw. The sound of the water around me seemed so perfect pluz the sound of humming birds di sela-sela pematang sawah….bikin my ash won’t go away. Gw jadi nyadar, ketemu ma Tuhan tuh bisa everywhere n any situations….hadiratnya selalu ada klo kita bener2 rindu to meet Him ^_^.

Hmmm suddenly, daku jadi laper. Hikz kangen ma traditional foods mereka…jemblem, donut singkong, dodol, coto mbeeekk n perkedel singkongnya Bu Mar n cookie ketelanya. Ga heran bodi gw tambah berat….la wong makan 3 times a day pluz snack2 yang bertebaran dimana2 (dasar perut kuli neh….)

Hmmpff, suddenly I remembered this pic. It’s Wendy and me. We were teaching English lesson for children in class 1, 2 n 3. Gw jadi ngakak aja liat neh picture coz mana ada guru yg ngajar pake sandal jepitan n clana seadanya. Fortunately, the children fun fun aj tuh. I learned a lot from Wendy’s experience in being a teacher becoz in fact she is an elementary teacher. The way she could take control the children was very interesting. When there was a lit’e girl who was crying becoz she didn’t know how to draw a flower, suddenly she was smile n offered herself to draw for her n let the girl choosed one of the color pencils in Wendy’s hand. So, she could make the color to draw the flower easily. Finally, the girl stop crying n she was smile. Hm….ternyata menyenangkan banget jadi guru. Cuman bondo senyum doank atuh *_< –> duhh peliz koq pikirannya dangkal banget seh…dong dong dong…dong dong dong dong…dong.

Now, I am back to my real life…..
Many assigments bermunculan……
Deadline2 yang mengejar2 daku…..
SP…SP…. PJ…….kuliahh…..siap2 benahi proposal skripz….

Akhir2 ini gw mikir….tenyata Tuhan tuh lagi bener2 cari orang yang bener2 loyal di kondisi apapun. L O Y A L, hmm…..only 5 letters….but it’s difficult to do….

The question is…eventhough the situations are so hard, suck, uncomfortable….do I want still depend on Him….?? Do I want to keep my faith on….?? Do I want to keep my cross still standing..??

The answer is….depend on in what way we see Him ….

Sudahkah feliz…L O Y A L?!?!?

Nyokap…nyokap

Akhir2 ini, aku demen nggemezin nyokap…..
Nyebelin iya…..nyenengin juga iya….tapi kekhawatirannya itu berlebihan banget
Mulai dari tragedi kebakaran ampe belanja yang over limit untuk keperluan COP yang ga jelaz juga ^_^
Kejadian itupun berlangsung dalam 1 hari.
Stttt….ada nyokap di depan gw…..hihihihi tapi nyokap ga tahu klo aq lg ngrasani dia di blog…hihihihi
Begini ceritanya…..
Kemaren nyokap beliin keperluan peliz untuk COP tanggal 8 Juli nanti. Nyokap pergi ke atum hendak membeli obat2an serta vitamin2an. Katanya biar peliz ga gampang sakit2an N fresh setiap saat ketika jadi kuli.
Pas nyokap lihat sabun cair di satu counter, nyokap tertarik untuk melihat2 dan memilih2 jenis sabun mandi mana yang cocok buat peliz. Sayangnya peliz kagak ikut karena lagi sakit T_T. Jd nyokap beli sendirian. Hikz kasihan ga ada yang nemenin :(. Ketika nanya2 ama mbaknya n bargain-bargain, tiba2 ada orang2 yang teriak kebakaran. Waktu itu nyokap berada di lt 3 Pasar Atom. Semua orang disana panik ga ketulungan. Bahkan mbaknya yang nawarin sabun cair ke nyokap juga lari tunggang langgang bak "the flash". Ampe bosnya sendiri pun teriak, "ei selamatkan mobilnya" n meninggalkan nyokap yang terpaku di depan counter tersebut. Di tangan nyokap ada 2 sabun cair ukuran gede banget n nyokap bingung mau diapain coz pemiliknya udah lari duluan. Nyokap ikut panik juga n membawa 2 botol sabun cair tersebut  karena ga tahu musti ngapain. (pas nyokap cerita ini, gw ngakak setengah mati…..untung ga sampai mati ). Nyokap melarikan diri lewat parkiran karena nyokap juga lihat ada asap yang mengepul. Untungnya nyokap pulang dengan selamat TAPI botol sabun cair itu masih melekat di tangan nyokap. Sampe di rumah, nyokap mengalami trauma n feeling guilty ama tuh sabun. Makzud nyokap bawa sabun tersebut bukannya mau di embat gitu. Hanya nyokap bingung karena counternya tuh ga ada orangnya n klo di taruh diatas meja, bisa2 juga dicomot orang lagi. Jadi nyokap emang hendak mengembalikan dalam kurun waktu 1 minggu ini. Hehehehe….ntar aku mau bilang nyokap untuk naripi ongkos penginapan sabun cair tersebut di rumah kita (dasar pelizh ga tulus…..!!!).

Malam harinya, nyokap beli keperluan lainnya di blauran sm di carefour. Eh dasar nyokap itu klo ga diawasin, pasti beli barang2 yang kagak penting n keluar jalur dari titipan peliz. Contohnya neh, peliz cuman titip beli sarung n ember 1 buah, ehhhh dibeliin 2 buah. Peliz nitip sabun lifeboy cair, ehhh di blauran udah dibeliin…begitu ampe carefour…dibeliin sabun detol lagi. DUhhhhh mana alasannya, "sabun detol itu lebih bagus dari lifeboy.". Duhh masalahnya itu doiiiii (uang) mamaaa ku cayanxx. Emang nyokap pabrik doi apa. Belum lagi dengan beli2 kue2 yang tidak masuk dalam daftar belanja titipan peliz. Peliz cuman titip permen, eh nyokap tambahin dengan beli kue lah, dari permen yang murmer ampe mahal (ampe sebegitunya y) trus susu penambah tenaga, abon, macaroni n bubur instant yang katanya klo di COP makanannya ga enak, peliz bisa makan abon ama nasi sj. Di satu sisi, nyokap juga tuh masukin item yang feliz minta cuman 1 buah…eh dijadikan 2 item plus tambahan2 yang lainnya hingga over limit tuh. Lucunya ketika sampe di rumah, paw waw kaget sm barang belanjaannya krn dia ga nyadar klo nyokap tuh masukin item2 yang ga ada di daftar pesenan peliz. DUUUUUUHHHH…….perasaan heeppii jelazzz banget….coz ya seneng juga di perhatiin ampe dalem2nya ama nyokap TAPI perasaan gemez juga ada, abiz keperluan2 itu kan ga perlu coz disana makanan kita ditanggung n katanya makanannya lumayanlah. Lagian peliz juga mau koq makan makanan yang ala kadarnya, as long ga makan pecel (coz peliz ga suka bumbu kacang), peliz mau koq. Yang peliz mikir…doinya itu..alamak…….

Nyokap….nyokap…..diriku semakin mengerti dikau. Padahal nyokap peliz ga gitu dehhhh.
Apa akhir2 ini perasaan khawatir berlebihan ya???. Lutzu, dari pengalaman ini peliz belajar, nyokap itu klo dititipin barang belanjaan…harus ditemenin satpam killer. Masudnya, lebih baik piginya sama si penitip dan nyokap. Nyokap tuh tipe orang yang mikir kualitas daripada kuantitas.  Perasaan sayang nyokap ama paw-waw, toyi n peliz tuh seringkali didahulukan daripada buat diri nyokap sendiri walaupun nyokap sometimes killer2 gitu. Yah bisa dikatakan, nyokap tuh tipe2 orang yang suka memberikan yang terbaik buat anak2nya di dalam kondisi apapun.
As conclusionnya, Nyokap tuh unique. SOmetimes dia tuh bisa jadi orang yang begitu otoriter tapi di sisi lainnya, otoriter itu bisa berjalan dengan kasihnya pada kita-kita.
Mommy……se MPR-MPR nya dikau, I want to say that I luph yu ^_^

My dream

Akhir2 ini, feliz mikir banyak hal untuk masa depan feliz….
Feliz hanya bingung….buat apa feliz masuk sastra????? coz feliz sendiri ga tahu mau jadi apa……
Jujur aja, feliz tuh orang yg bukan sastra tulen2 banget……
Jadi penulis (duh rasanya kagak mungkin deh), sastrawan, kerja di bank (fiuhhh)…..????????
Tapi akhir2 ini feliz mikir banyak hal….
"Hei untuk apa aku disini?"
I know I have made a mistake coz kenapa ga dari dulu2 feliz mikir…jadi feliz punya tujuan untuk apa feliz berdiri….

Satu hal, aku percaya klo feliz bisa masuk sastra, semua itu ga lepaz dr jangkauan Tuhan.
Semenjak ikut KTB nya Ko Cun2…..I just think "what I am going to be in the future?"
From day to day, I try to polish what I have had so I can find the red line.
Thinking….and thinking…..
and of course praying……
I try to catch what His will for ma’dream from what I have had till now
Truz kenapa tiba2 benang merahnya kindergarten yaaaa?
Feliz sampe sekarang mencoba untuk memastikan, apakah benar feliz ditaruh disana….

God, am I will be the teacher of kindergarten…??
Gemes juga sih ngliat anak kecil berkeliaran di mana2, blum lagi dengan keluguan mereka dan keingin-tahuan mereka yang besar banget terhadap sesuatu..apalagi klo dibentuk dengan nilai2 yang benar….hmmm………
Ketika keinginan itu semakin kuat, keinginan itu pun seakan-akan menjawabnya….
But …feliz bersyukur banget klo sampai saat ini Feliz boleh dapat gambaran yang lebih jelas.
Tuhan, feliz mengucap syukur klo feliz boleh mengerti tujuan hidup feliz in the future dan untuk apa feliz masuk di sastra.

One thing that I want to say…..
kadang kita ga tahu akan jadi apa setelah kita keluar nanti….
pernah juga sih waktu itu ditantang ama my uncle "Seharusnya ketika kamu ingin meraih masa depanmu dengan baik, kamu harus sudah merencanakan segala sesuatunya  ketika kamu duduk di smp. Kamu harus tahu kamu mau jadi apa, so kamu sudah merencanakan langkah2 dan melakukan yang terbaik untuk mendapatkan tujuanmu itu". Wadukz rasanya emank kayak ketimpuk batu beton seh waktu di omongin gitu coz ternyata emang bener klo seharusnya aku mikir 10 langkah ke depan. TAPI, feliz percaya, walo udah telat mikir hal spt itu, klo sampai saat ini feliz bisa bertahan n pass all the things in literature, semuanya karena kasih karunia dan Tuhan yg peliharakan feliz. Everything is in God’s control. Sesusah-susahnya itu, tidaklah susah jika kita berjalan bersamaNya. Sampe sekarang pun feliz masih make sure bahwa benang merah itu benar. Feliz coba poles dari hari ke hari di diari feliz, jadi kita tahu dan semakin tajam visi misi hidup kita ^_^.
 

Who am I??

Don’t know why…nowadays, I like to find ma’ self in sublimation…..
I try to enjoy  the stars in the night and then I just talk with ma’ self, sometimes I ask Him to talk with me…. I enjoy speaking conversation with Him. In other hand, I enjoy talking with Him seriously. Everything seems to be one in my mind.
Hmpppfff……
I try to pass my burden…..
so heavy, so egoistic….
n then I start to crying…….
God..do I do everything just for ma’self??
what about the others…
Am I egoistic….Am I?
Am I do a stupid thing?…Am I?
I just trying to find something that U think it’s true.
But, don’t know why…I feel that I get stuck
I cannot think clearly…everything seems so blur
Let it pass……………………………………………………………………………………….
I’ll try to erase my memories
trying to fix ma’self
and let me pass in a clarity
then let me begin the new one
 to Cla: thanks udah nemenin feliz n ngajak feliz ke atap yah

Akhir2 ini seneng banget bisa keluar barenx sama xorax cs di tengah kota. Hwiiii bener2 an unforgetable moment d. Mulai dr liat pantomim yg kagak jelaz juntrungannya, minum es teh ama kruputz, liat latihannya si sukro yg berkomat-kamit dari A-Z, kritik sana-sini, ampe liat poto2 yg kagak jelaz coz suasananya yang bikin kita kayak kruputz yg di gorenx alias ga pewe banget. However, honestly I was happy yesterday, rilli….belum lagi ama keberhasilannya sukro….peliz seneng banget. Galz, I just want to say that I am proud to have u as my special sistas in ma life. Each of us is so unique, so letz spend our time with meaningful dayz…..
I love u galzz!!!

Dunno……………..

It’s very difficult to be a person who is standing in the middle of a situation
I try to let my tears pass without reason
Just let it blowing by the wind
leaving my mind
n subliming ma’self in the beautiful of nature

Suddenly I stop my journey for a while
Asking n brooding over…why??

God….., i won’t pass my journey meaningless
Could I hug U
Could I crying on Urside
and let my tears pass
eventhough the situation seems  so blur

I know…I know what is actually the answer
aaaaaaa….the formula…..
I lost my pivotal formula
How could I realize it right now……

Lord…..
can I have my sublimation more?
n let the stars hiding my sadness
n shining ma’ life

I dream…..
I just wonder…to be the one who brings out the miracle in You
without thinking what will be the new one…
coz I know n believe
U are my guiding till the last of the day

AMEN

Gw dikerjainnnn!!!!

Today, gw totally dikerjain ama anak PIP. Ga nyuopan, tegaaaaaaaaa nya dikau, n huhuhuhuhuhuhuu daku seakan2 mempermalukan diriku.
Selama ini, gw kagak pernah nangis di depan orang…TAPI khusus yg ini, gw kagak bisa membendungnya. Seakan2 air mata gw mengalir seperti derasnya sungai brantas.
Asli,…………….. abiz nangis itu, mukaku seakan2 mau kututup tempeh ato ga panci.
Aku malu…….auuuuuu….auuuuuu (heheheheh kayak nangisnya Tera)
Mana aku seakan di hajar oleh bertubi2 batu bata….. "dukzzzzzzz TABAHHHHHHH ya nak!!!!!"
Rasanya itu bakal jadi semboyanku selama di PIP deh.

Lord…let me love u day by day……

God’s gift

Hari ini, I want to say to all my friendz ….. thanks a lot for what u have done in ma’ life.
Thank u for ur presence in ma’ life.
Thank u for make me so colourful.

Today….My first gift is given by my family.
And my second gift is closed by my best pren.
Honeslty, in ma’ birthday, I totally satisfy…..
Eventhough I am totally tired 100%.
I learn how to give a special present from my heart to all ma’ friends.
I learn … how beautiful the meaning of frienzip is.

For mum, thanks 4 being a my special mum in my birthday, thanks 4 ur praying in ma’ life.
For paw-waw n toyi, thanks 4 the present, I’ll appreciate it.
For all ma prenz, thanks 4 ur support in ma’ life n thanks 4 being my partner till now. Thanks 4 ur praying. Ur present rilli so means for ma’ life.
For team, thanks a lot for being such beautiful present in ma’ life. U so mean 4 ma’ life.
For naniex n kero2ppi, thanks a lot for the book… I hope I can be a person that what u want in its book. Thanks 4 ur surprise invitation.
For chris my lovely brother, thanks 4 being my partner, brother. What u have done till now, is such a beautiful present that God has wrapped for me.
For  Gerit n the ganx, "I don’t wanna be separated!"
For my lovely William Crooks, "I love u so much. I’ve never forgot u, all. U’ll be in ma’ heart. For my lovely Pariz’03, Mon2, Rini, Angel, Fonny, Venny, Silvi, Sherly, Chatrin, Lili Peach, Tika, Chris, Robby, Dion, Gerson, Welly, Michael…………. I MIZZZ U A LOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
For Xorax, thanks banget buat kehadiran kalian betiga in ma life.  Hikz, can we gather porever???
For Roni, thankz a lot dah jadi partner and good brotha for me.
Last, for my special friend, kero2ppi, thanks yah dah spending time di Tugu Pahlawan.
Ampe diliat orang, dipikirnya kita insane. However, what u have admitted at me, makes me realize that how I love u so much. As a good partner and a good sister indeed.

God, thank u 4 make me realize that how You love me so much.
Thanks 4 ur special gift that U have given to me, even for my healthy.
Thanks Lord.

I am blessed by his song….

Nowadays….
I am rilli rilli falling in love with him…..
His song has blessed ma’ life
Everyday…I am eager to sing…sing…just 4 Him

I am eager to praise Him in my heart
…everyday…………………………
…anytimes…………………………
God…I wanna be a person like this
In anytime, I wanna my life depend on U
In my study, my activities, even my future
without fear….
Just believe and depend on You

I’m Gonna be
by: Steven Curtis Chapman

When I wake up yeah I know I’m gonna be
I’m gonna be the man who wakes up next to you
When I go out yeah I know  I’m gonna be
I’m gonna be the man who goes along with you

When I am lonely well I know I’m gonna be
I’m gonna be the man whose lonely without you
When I am dreaming well I know I’m gonna dream
I’m gonna dream about the time when I’m with you

Reff:
But I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who walked a thousand miles
To fall down at your door

When I’m working yes I know  I’m gonna be
I’m gonna be the man who’s working hard for you
And when the money comes in for the work I’ll do
I’ll pass almost every penny on to you
When I come home yeah I know I’m gonna be
I’m gonna be the man who comes back home to you
And if I grow old well I know I’m gonna be
I’m gonna be the man who’s growing old with you

Reff:
But I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who walked a thousand miles
To fall down at your door

When I’m dreaming well I know I’m gonna dream
Dream about the time when I’m with you
And when I wake up yeah I know I’m gonna be
I’m gonna be the man who wakes up next to you
And when I go out well I know I’m gonna be
I’m gonna be the man who goes along with you
When I come home yes I know I’m gonna be
I’m gonna be the man who comes back home to you
I’m gonna be the man who comes back home to you

Reff:
But I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who walked a thousand miles
To fall down at your door

Never hesitate on Him
Just believe Him 100% percent and He will show His way for U
………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Edit-an:
Aku baru dapet masukan dr ‘paw waw’, klo dia ngeliat "I" yang ada disini artinya bukan kita tetapi Tuhan.
Aku jadi terdiam sejenak dan berpikir……" Iya ya….klo ‘I’ nya tuh Tuhan, aku ga bisa bayangin. Tuhan mau berjalan 500 miles demi ketemu sama kita??????? ….sebegitukah Tuhan mengasihi kita dan begitu kita berharga di mataNya sampai segala cara Tuhan tempuh untuk ketemu kita….??? Padahal di lain pihak, kita justru seringkali tidak peduli sama Tuhan. Bahkan seringkali kita lupa klo Tuhan melakukan segala cara untuk dekat pada anak2Nya, termasuk aku.

Hening……………………………………………………………………………………………..